Friday, July 27, 2012

Writing a new chapter

God is taking care of me.

I realize this now looking back at everything that has happened in the last few months. My brain has been so foggy because of the hurt I have been through. I have to trust that my God loves me and still cares for me. Because he does. I've looked back at the dates of my appointments and realized how much God really was in control and that His timing was perfect. He knows what I can and can't handle. He knew I wouldn't have done well having to have a D&C and that me miscarrying at home was what was best for me. My first doctor's appointment was scheduled for June 11th. I would have been 7 weeks and 4 days. They would have done blood work as well as an ultrasound to see our little bun. She would have had a strong heartbeat and would have looked like the healthy little bean that she was. But, the doctor's office called and my appointment got moved back to July 3rd. At this point I would have been 10 weeks and 5 days. My baby would have had no heartbeat and I would have probably have had to go have surgery to have a D&C that week. God knew that's not what I wanted to do before I even knew it wasn't what I wanted to do. But, thankfully my appointment was moved back once again until July 10th where I would have been 11 weeks and 5 days. My baby would have been still and I would have had to have a D&C to cleanse my body of our sweet baby. Which until this pregnancy, I knew nothing about a D&C. Thankfully, once again my appointment was moved back to July 24th. I would have been 13 weeks and 5 days. The day I started spotting was the same day my 3rd appointment change was scheduled, July 10th. God knew I needed to be there for my mom that day because she was so sick in the hospital and that I needed to be strong for Stratton while Derek was out of town in Nashville. At our first actual appointment I was 12 weeks and 4 days. This was when I got confirmation that we had miscarried. The very next day my body (and God) took care of me and I thankfully didn't have to have a D&C. Looking back at all the date changes and the situations that were involved I know God had his hands in everything that was going on. He had to have. There is no way this could have panned out so perfectly timing wise. God knew I needed to have my appointment later so I wouldn't have to go through the pain of surgery. God knew me having the pain at home and my husband and parents taking care of me would have been better than me going to a hospital and having strangers poke and prod at me. I was so embarrassed to show the kind of pain that I was going through to my family so I couldn't imagine showing that kind of pain to complete strangers. I'm supposed to be strong when it comes to pain. I'm supposed to carry my emotions in my pocket, not my sleeve. I'm thankful for my God taking care of me and watching over me. I know that even though I doubted him and was mad at him that he forgives me, because that's what my God does.
I'm loved and taken care of by my God.

Romans 5:8 but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

Proverbs 8:17 I love those who love me, and those who seek me diligently find me.

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.

2 comments:

Urban Parks said...

I am heartened by your faith. Faith allows us to live through things we don't think we can handle. It also strengthens us by its very nature. The faith you have will and already is a blessing to you. Remember that this is a beginning, never an end. Our prayers are with you and your family.

Anonymous said...

orEmily I am so proud of you and your outlook despite such disappointment for you, Derek and Stratton. God does test us but know that he never gives us more than what we can handle even though it seems hard at the time. May you continue to have faith in God and know that he is watching over you and will care for you and give you strength no matter what. Your faith and outlook will give you an insight that many people do not have or never will. God is watching over you.