Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Burning the Pages

Well, it's been a little over week since Derek and I found out that we lost our baby. To say it's been a really rough week would be a total understatement. Monday of last week was by far the hardest thing I have ever gone through mentally and emotionally. Tuesday was the hardest thing I have ever gone through physically. I have never experienced such overwhelming pain in my entire life.

I went to the doctor yesterday and it was like picking the scab off of an already sore cut. It hurt and it was all that I could do to not just start sobbing as soon as I walked up to the door. Of course the waiting room was once again filled with healthy pregnant woman. (which sucked to look at but really I am still happy that God has allowed them to have happy healthy pregnancies so far) I got into the room and as soon as I stripped from the waist down and got comfortable on the table they told me Dr Morton got called out for a delivery. Ouch. That sucked hearing but, I was still a little thankful because I got to see the nurse practitioner again. She did another pelvic exam and said that everything looked good. The news I was waiting to hear was that I didn't have to have the D&C. I again prepared myself for hearing that I would have to go under the knife but was PRAYING that I wouldn't have to. Thankfully, I don't have to have the D&C. All the pain and agony on Tuesday was worth it after hearing I didn't have to have surgery. I had to have some blood work done which sucked because I'm horrible at getting my blood drawn. The girl that drew my blood was awesome though, by the time she was done I was still yacking away about my tattoos that she was probably not so interested in but was talking to me about because it was distracting. I thanked her profusely because I think she could tell I hated having my blood drawn. I left feeling a little less nervous and a little bit more thankful because I didn't have to have a D&C. I got the results from my blood work today and it seems that my hormone level was at 522. Which is good, that means that everything is leaving my body and everything is returning to "normal."Next Monday I'll have to go in once again to have more blood work done. Then on the 15th I will hopefully have my last appointment for a while. After that I can get back on birth control and go back to "normal" for a while.

I know some of you are probably wondering why I would get back on birth control if we were trying to get pregnant. To be honest, Derek and I aren't even sure that we want another child now. After going through all the pain from a miscarriage it's hard to even think about the possibility of going through it again. We both agree that right now we're done trying for a while. We may get the itch again but I can tell you now it won't be for a long while.

Another thing that has been really hard for me lately is my faith. I may not go to church every Sunday or even pray every single night but I believe and have a strong relationship with Jesus. Lately my faith has been derailed though. I went into this pregnancy fully trusting God in all aspects of my life. I prayed that His timing for me getting pregnant would be perfect, our decisions during the pregnancy would be perfect in his eyes...everything would be perfect. I put my whole heart into trusting him and I feel let down. I keep asking why would he let me get pregnant and be so excited about it and then take it away from me just when I was starting to whole heartedly get excited about it. Why would he make me go through this? WHY? I have been struggling with coming to terms that God knows what's best for me. I really felt like this baby was what I was supposed to do next in my life. This was supposed to be the next chapter for me and Derek. But those pages were burned in a blaze of fire as quick as they came. One of the hardest things this last week as far as getting sympathy from people was reading someone say that "God doesn't give you what you can't handle." That hurt...a lot. I know they meant well but it's almost like people don't think before they talk and they don't realize how much something like that hurts when you've just had something you really wanted ripped from your arms. Saying something like that is like telling someone who just got a promotion at work that someone up higher said you can't handle the job so you don't get it. Then praying for strength for this is like going back to the person in charge of firing you and asking them for money. It just sucks. I know I sound so horribly unfaithful right now but I'm really truly struggling. Why should God get to be the one to choose if I can handle this or not? I'm just so confused and hurt and miserable lately. I'm praying for strength from someone who caused me to have the pain in the first place apparently. I just don't understand it. I'm tired of getting the sympathy. I'm tired of the looks I get from people at work who know what I went through last week. I'm tired of being poked and prodded. I'm just tired. I'm so ready to burn these pages and get past the hurt even though I know there will always be an emotional scar to remind me of this.


Donna said...

I remember after my son, Calvin, died everyone kept telling us "Don't worry, Families are Forever." As if that made it ok. It doesn't. Faith gets us through the hard times but Faith also reminds us of those hard times. Keep praying, God is watching over you even though it doesn't feel like it right now. Your Faith will one day bring you peace again.

Emily Hornburg said...

::hugs:: lets do a coffee date/girl day sometime soon, ok? My treat.