Wednesday, October 26, 2011

A Day of Pondering

So, for a while now, Derek and I have been "talking." It's been a roller coaster of a week this week though, especially when it comes to emotions. There has been tears, there has been anger, there has been joy, there has been disappointment, but most of all there has been a lot of fear.

I talk about having baby fever pretty often. I like the idea of having two kids, another big pregnant belly, all the happy times that come with pregnancy and a growing family. But at the same time I also have to think about everything it takes to have the baby, the bills from the hospital, the dr visits, the baby sitter cost, the diapers, the clothes, the formula (if you don't breast feed), the bottles, the tough nights, the lack of sleep, the fighting from being tired.  But one thing that I think I would have to give up on for a little while

As of right now I'm considered a junior in college. I've been in school for 6 years now and I'm barely seeing the end of the tunnel. I would love to be able to quit my job and go back to school full time but I just don't see that happening. Even if I did go back to school full time I wouldn't see Stratton or Derek as much as I do now. Not to mention I still have a few years of school left before I can get all my classes finished. Derek won't give me a few years to wait to have another baby. Derek wants our children to only be a few years apart (when he does actually agree to have 2 kids) and Stratton is 3. The closest I can shoot for at least is 4 years apart.

So, the trouble I have now is making a decision. A very very hard decision. Which if I know my mother she will be the first to answer this for me.

Option 1: Quit school, make my family bigger and work full time, finish school later.

Option 2: Keep going to school, work part time, and make my family bigger.

Option 3: Keep going to school, work full time, make my family bigger. 

Option 4: Go to school part time, work full time, no growth in family.

Option 5: Go to school full time, work part time, no growth in family.

Any of the options are going to be hard either mentally, financially, emotionally, or physically. Option 4 seems to be the road I'm on right now and I'm ready for a fork. I have got to move onto the next stage in my life whatever it may be.