Tuesday, July 16, 2013

A Year Ago Today

A year ago today...

I found out that the little bundle of joy that Derek and I were expecting had gone to heaven to be with our Heavenly Father. We drove to the doctor with a fear in our hearts but also a hope that something, some kind of miracle, could happen. We watched as the nurse practitioner searched for a heartbeat unsuccessfully. We watched as the ultrasound technician turned the screen away from us. We saw the face of the nurse practitioner as she had to tell us some of the worst news anyone could hear. We went home and that night Derek and I went through some of the worst pain in our lives. For him it was an emotional kind of pain, for me it was a physical and emotional kind of pain. I have never experienced that kind of pain in my life before; both mentally and physically.

I had the support of my amazing husband as well as our wonderful families to get me through everything. I was bitter and hurt for a long while. I still hurt and carry a little bit of sadness around with me when I think about it. I'm not sure I'll ever fully get over it. It's just something you can't explain to someone unless they go through it. I was mad at God for a while but that too has passed.

I know I have a little guardian angel to protect and watch over me and I'll see that baby again some day.