It's been a bit

So, it's been far too long since I've updated this blog. Do people do blogs anymore? I figured this is a great way for me to just start purging my thoughts again. I stopped blogging after my miscarriage, the death of my grandma, the death of my beloved cat Groucho and after I graduated college. It's been a rough go but to say I haven't come out on the other end an entirely changed person would be a lie. Lots have changed in the last four years. I have changed jobs a few times. We have adopted a few more pets and we have all grown physically, mentally and in age.

Since I graduated, I left RapcoHorizon to pursue a job in the marking field. I worked for a company called Bold Marking. It was completely different from the environment that I was used to at RHC. It was fast paced and fun. I learned SO much working at that job. I was able to travel in that time and take a few vacations across the country. After a year and a half I was unfortunately let go. I wasn't a good match for them and that's ok. I went on to manage a local store called Hempies. I was made manager after a few months and got to work daily with my best friend. Granted she was 2000 miles away but the store is partly owned by her husband and she manages the store they opened in Bend, OR. After a year working retail I decided it was time to start looking for something back in the marketing field. I applied for a few different positions. None of them seemed to pan out. So after some soul searching I accepted a position back at RapcoHorizon as their eCommerce specialist. So that's where I'm at now.

Derek too has gone through some transitions. The year I graduated, my grandmother passed away, and Groucho passed away was a rough one on my little family. We went through a lot of heartache that year. Derek and I have steadily relied on each other to pick the other one up when shit hits the fan. Our marriage has become stronger, our arguments are more productive and overall we have been so much better as a couple because of everything that we have gone through.

A few months ago I had another miscarriage. If I'm being completely transparent, the news of me being pregnant was unplanned, unwanted and overall not something that we needed as a family. I say that with so much guilt. I feel guilt that the little life that was in me for a few weeks was not something that I was looking forward to. I feel guilt that my heart was not open to more children. I also feel relief that our family of three will now remain that way since Derek was so gracious about getting a vasectomy. It was hard going through another miscarriage. It brought back so many of those emotions that I experienced with the last miscarriage that I had. It really did rip open all that scar tissue and bring back so many negative feelings that I had buried down for so long.

I'm so thankful that I had my husband by my side though. He picked me up, he wiped my tears, he heated up my heating pad, he made sure I took my antibiotics and he sat in the doctors office and held my hand when they told me that I was - again - having a miscarriage.

This time it was different. I still don't know that I have fully processed what I went through with this last miscarriage. We weren't as vocal about it as we were in the past. We kept it to ourselves, we dealt with it ourselves, we also buried down a lot of raw feelings by ourselves.

For now I take it day by day. I know in the near future some counseling will take place, some crying will happen, some growing will happen. But, for now I put on my happy face, I cry when I need to, I take mental health days when I need to and I focus on the future and all the great things and people I have in my life now.

One thing that has really helped me mentally is the fat-sassy-lover-of-snuggles that we adopted. Her name is Persimmon Louise. We got her from a friend that was unable to keep her anymore. She has been an amazing addition to our family. She sleeps with Stratton some nights and other nights with me. We got her a couple weeks after my miscarriage and she really has been a big help in getting me through the tough stuff. Derek and I joke that she is was a little old lady that smoked a pack a day in her past life. Her meow is raspy like an old smoker. She loves having her belly rubbed and she has the best personality. Her first visit to the vet was full of people coming in to meet her and her loving the attention. Derek and I are constantly talking about how she has been the perfect addition to our pet gang.

Stratton is starting 5th grade this week. It seems like just yesterday I was holding his little hand and walking him into school for his first day of kindergarten.  He is such a sweet boy. So smart, so loving, so kind. I couldn't have asked for a better kid. This will be the first year where he changes classes every hour. To say I'm nervous about this transition would be an understatement. He's excited about getting his own locker and getting to change between classes but you can definitely tell that he is nervous. I know he will do great.

Other than that we have been doing ok with life lately. I'm going to try to keep everyone (all 2-3 of you that read) updated with what's going on. I'm hoping to get back into blogging. It's so cathartic to write for me. I have ideas on what to write about again and I'm itching to start up on this journey again.