13 Weeks

Well, as some of you have probably noticed, I haven't been updating my blog lately. Over the last couple of weeks I have had this nagging feeling that something was wrong. It turns out I was right. Last week my mom was in the hospital with a tick born illness called ehrlichiosis. It's basically like Lyme's Disease but instead of it being viral it's bacterial and can be treated. Tuesday last week my mom headed to the hospital while Derek packed for the NAMM show in Nashville, Tn. Wednesday morning I woke up and noticed some spotting when I went to the bathroom. I immediately started freaking out and called the doctors office where they reassured me that as long as it hadn't turned red and I wasn't having any cramping that I was ok. Thursday went by with no change but on Friday night that brown turned to red, then the red turned into more red with clots. I knew something was really wrong. I called the doctor again and they put me on bed rest until I could get in on Monday morning. All the while I was thinking this was just because I've been stressed because my mom was in the hospital, Derek was gone, etc., etc.

I say that I have had that bed feeling for a few weeks because I borrowed my friend Erica's home Dopper about a week ago and spent an hour trying to find the baby's heartbeat with no success. I just knew something was wrong but I just prayed about and told myself everything would be ok. Monday morning I called the doctors office again to get an emergency appointment scheduled. At 10:30 Derek and I got to the office and waited, and waited, and waited. It seemed like an eternity. They finally called us back and I saw the nurse practitioner. Who I absolutely love, she is seriously the sweetest woman ever and I'm so glad she did my appointment. She did a pelvic exam (which hurt...a lot) and then tried to find the heartbeat with the Doppler. She tried for a few minuets with no success. I knew then and there that if she hadn't found one with the Doppler in the office they wouldn't find one at all. This is when I lost it. I knew I had lost the baby. Derek tried to stay hopefully by telling me that maybe the baby was just in a bad position but I knew. They immediately got us an appointment with the ultrasound technician. I knew it was a bad sign when she turned the screen away from us. She said nothing when she was done and got the nurse practitioner again. When she walked back in her face said it all. My baby was gone.

She told us that the baby stopped growing around 9 weeks. I was almost 13 weeks at my appointment. They wanted to schedule a D&C the next day but I just wasn't ready to deal with that yet. I was numb. I still am numb. The rug has been completely pulled out from under my feet. I went home from the appointment and just cried. My family came over and kept my mind off of it for a little while. Derek and I went to bed that night holding each other a little tighter that night. Stratton stayed with Derek's parents so we could have some time to ourselves. Tuesday morning around 3:30am I woke up having some cramping. By 5:30am I was having contractions that were so bad that they took my breath away and brought me to my knees. It felt like I was in labor only worse. I had nothing to numb any of the pain. It was full blown labor without anything to help me at all. At 8:00am Derek called the doctors office to get some pain medication prescribed to me but the girl just took a message and said she would call us back. After another hour and a half of me screaming and crying from the pain Derek called again to tell them I was still in a lot of pain and that I was in dire need of some pain medication. Finally the other nurse got on the phone and Derek told her what was going on and how long I've been in pain and she prescribed me some Vicodin. My parents came over with some food and my mom had to watch me for several hours cry and writhe in pain. My poor dad had to leave. Understandably so. I was sobbing and screaming because it's all I knew to do. The pain just took my breath away. I managed to get some breakfast down while Derek went and got the pain medication. I laid in the bath while my mom watched over me. I took my first pain medicine in the bathtub and wound up on the floor right after I got out because I felt like I was going to pass out. The bath felt amazing. The pain medicine has made me super loopy but oh so very pain free both mentally and physically.

It's Wednesday today and I'm still feeling pretty numb and raw. I can't watch TV and I can't open the door to the nursery without starting to sob. But, I know time will pass and it will get easier to deal with these feelings. I have been praying for God to give me strength. I know He has a plan for me and that things happen for a reason. I'm not sure what my plan is or why this happened but I'm trusting Him.      

To answer some questions I know you all probably have.
I go in again on Monday to see if I will or will not need the D&C. From as much as I have passed, they don't expect for me to need one. I will not be going to work this week as I'm on Vicodin and can't even walk to the bathroom by myself. I was 9 weeks when I lost the baby and would have been 13 weeks tomorrow. I'm not mad or resentful. I'm not jealous of those who have healthy pregnancies right now either. I know God has a plan for me and being negative just makes me lose my path.

Thank you all in advance for the love and prayers.