Writing a new chapter

God is taking care of me.

I realize this now looking back at everything that has happened in the last few months. My brain has been so foggy because of the hurt I have been through. I have to trust that my God loves me and still cares for me. Because he does. I've looked back at the dates of my appointments and realized how much God really was in control and that His timing was perfect. He knows what I can and can't handle. He knew I wouldn't have done well having to have a D&C and that me miscarrying at home was what was best for me. My first doctor's appointment was scheduled for June 11th. I would have been 7 weeks and 4 days. They would have done blood work as well as an ultrasound to see our little bun. She would have had a strong heartbeat and would have looked like the healthy little bean that she was. But, the doctor's office called and my appointment got moved back to July 3rd. At this point I would have been 10 weeks and 5 days. My baby would have had no heartbeat and I would have probably have had to go have surgery to have a D&C that week. God knew that's not what I wanted to do before I even knew it wasn't what I wanted to do. But, thankfully my appointment was moved back once again until July 10th where I would have been 11 weeks and 5 days. My baby would have been still and I would have had to have a D&C to cleanse my body of our sweet baby. Which until this pregnancy, I knew nothing about a D&C. Thankfully, once again my appointment was moved back to July 24th. I would have been 13 weeks and 5 days. The day I started spotting was the same day my 3rd appointment change was scheduled, July 10th. God knew I needed to be there for my mom that day because she was so sick in the hospital and that I needed to be strong for Stratton while Derek was out of town in Nashville. At our first actual appointment I was 12 weeks and 4 days. This was when I got confirmation that we had miscarried. The very next day my body (and God) took care of me and I thankfully didn't have to have a D&C. Looking back at all the date changes and the situations that were involved I know God had his hands in everything that was going on. He had to have. There is no way this could have panned out so perfectly timing wise. God knew I needed to have my appointment later so I wouldn't have to go through the pain of surgery. God knew me having the pain at home and my husband and parents taking care of me would have been better than me going to a hospital and having strangers poke and prod at me. I was so embarrassed to show the kind of pain that I was going through to my family so I couldn't imagine showing that kind of pain to complete strangers. I'm supposed to be strong when it comes to pain. I'm supposed to carry my emotions in my pocket, not my sleeve. I'm thankful for my God taking care of me and watching over me. I know that even though I doubted him and was mad at him that he forgives me, because that's what my God does.
I'm loved and taken care of by my God.

Romans 5:8 but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

Proverbs 8:17 I love those who love me, and those who seek me diligently find me.

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.

Burning the Pages

Well, it's been a little over week since Derek and I found out that we lost our baby. To say it's been a really rough week would be a total understatement. Monday of last week was by far the hardest thing I have ever gone through mentally and emotionally. Tuesday was the hardest thing I have ever gone through physically. I have never experienced such overwhelming pain in my entire life.

I went to the doctor yesterday and it was like picking the scab off of an already sore cut. It hurt and it was all that I could do to not just start sobbing as soon as I walked up to the door. Of course the waiting room was once again filled with healthy pregnant woman. (which sucked to look at but really I am still happy that God has allowed them to have happy healthy pregnancies so far) I got into the room and as soon as I stripped from the waist down and got comfortable on the table they told me Dr Morton got called out for a delivery. Ouch. That sucked hearing but, I was still a little thankful because I got to see the nurse practitioner again. She did another pelvic exam and said that everything looked good. The news I was waiting to hear was that I didn't have to have the D&C. I again prepared myself for hearing that I would have to go under the knife but was PRAYING that I wouldn't have to. Thankfully, I don't have to have the D&C. All the pain and agony on Tuesday was worth it after hearing I didn't have to have surgery. I had to have some blood work done which sucked because I'm horrible at getting my blood drawn. The girl that drew my blood was awesome though, by the time she was done I was still yacking away about my tattoos that she was probably not so interested in but was talking to me about because it was distracting. I thanked her profusely because I think she could tell I hated having my blood drawn. I left feeling a little less nervous and a little bit more thankful because I didn't have to have a D&C. I got the results from my blood work today and it seems that my hormone level was at 522. Which is good, that means that everything is leaving my body and everything is returning to "normal."Next Monday I'll have to go in once again to have more blood work done. Then on the 15th I will hopefully have my last appointment for a while. After that I can get back on birth control and go back to "normal" for a while.

I know some of you are probably wondering why I would get back on birth control if we were trying to get pregnant. To be honest, Derek and I aren't even sure that we want another child now. After going through all the pain from a miscarriage it's hard to even think about the possibility of going through it again. We both agree that right now we're done trying for a while. We may get the itch again but I can tell you now it won't be for a long while.

Another thing that has been really hard for me lately is my faith. I may not go to church every Sunday or even pray every single night but I believe and have a strong relationship with Jesus. Lately my faith has been derailed though. I went into this pregnancy fully trusting God in all aspects of my life. I prayed that His timing for me getting pregnant would be perfect, our decisions during the pregnancy would be perfect in his eyes...everything would be perfect. I put my whole heart into trusting him and I feel let down. I keep asking why would he let me get pregnant and be so excited about it and then take it away from me just when I was starting to whole heartedly get excited about it. Why would he make me go through this? WHY? I have been struggling with coming to terms that God knows what's best for me. I really felt like this baby was what I was supposed to do next in my life. This was supposed to be the next chapter for me and Derek. But those pages were burned in a blaze of fire as quick as they came. One of the hardest things this last week as far as getting sympathy from people was reading someone say that "God doesn't give you what you can't handle." That hurt...a lot. I know they meant well but it's almost like people don't think before they talk and they don't realize how much something like that hurts when you've just had something you really wanted ripped from your arms. Saying something like that is like telling someone who just got a promotion at work that someone up higher said you can't handle the job so you don't get it. Then praying for strength for this is like going back to the person in charge of firing you and asking them for money. It just sucks. I know I sound so horribly unfaithful right now but I'm really truly struggling. Why should God get to be the one to choose if I can handle this or not? I'm just so confused and hurt and miserable lately. I'm praying for strength from someone who caused me to have the pain in the first place apparently. I just don't understand it. I'm tired of getting the sympathy. I'm tired of the looks I get from people at work who know what I went through last week. I'm tired of being poked and prodded. I'm just tired. I'm so ready to burn these pages and get past the hurt even though I know there will always be an emotional scar to remind me of this.

13 Weeks

Well, as some of you have probably noticed, I haven't been updating my blog lately. Over the last couple of weeks I have had this nagging feeling that something was wrong. It turns out I was right. Last week my mom was in the hospital with a tick born illness called ehrlichiosis. It's basically like Lyme's Disease but instead of it being viral it's bacterial and can be treated. Tuesday last week my mom headed to the hospital while Derek packed for the NAMM show in Nashville, Tn. Wednesday morning I woke up and noticed some spotting when I went to the bathroom. I immediately started freaking out and called the doctors office where they reassured me that as long as it hadn't turned red and I wasn't having any cramping that I was ok. Thursday went by with no change but on Friday night that brown turned to red, then the red turned into more red with clots. I knew something was really wrong. I called the doctor again and they put me on bed rest until I could get in on Monday morning. All the while I was thinking this was just because I've been stressed because my mom was in the hospital, Derek was gone, etc., etc.

I say that I have had that bed feeling for a few weeks because I borrowed my friend Erica's home Dopper about a week ago and spent an hour trying to find the baby's heartbeat with no success. I just knew something was wrong but I just prayed about and told myself everything would be ok. Monday morning I called the doctors office again to get an emergency appointment scheduled. At 10:30 Derek and I got to the office and waited, and waited, and waited. It seemed like an eternity. They finally called us back and I saw the nurse practitioner. Who I absolutely love, she is seriously the sweetest woman ever and I'm so glad she did my appointment. She did a pelvic exam (which hurt...a lot) and then tried to find the heartbeat with the Doppler. She tried for a few minuets with no success. I knew then and there that if she hadn't found one with the Doppler in the office they wouldn't find one at all. This is when I lost it. I knew I had lost the baby. Derek tried to stay hopefully by telling me that maybe the baby was just in a bad position but I knew. They immediately got us an appointment with the ultrasound technician. I knew it was a bad sign when she turned the screen away from us. She said nothing when she was done and got the nurse practitioner again. When she walked back in her face said it all. My baby was gone.

She told us that the baby stopped growing around 9 weeks. I was almost 13 weeks at my appointment. They wanted to schedule a D&C the next day but I just wasn't ready to deal with that yet. I was numb. I still am numb. The rug has been completely pulled out from under my feet. I went home from the appointment and just cried. My family came over and kept my mind off of it for a little while. Derek and I went to bed that night holding each other a little tighter that night. Stratton stayed with Derek's parents so we could have some time to ourselves. Tuesday morning around 3:30am I woke up having some cramping. By 5:30am I was having contractions that were so bad that they took my breath away and brought me to my knees. It felt like I was in labor only worse. I had nothing to numb any of the pain. It was full blown labor without anything to help me at all. At 8:00am Derek called the doctors office to get some pain medication prescribed to me but the girl just took a message and said she would call us back. After another hour and a half of me screaming and crying from the pain Derek called again to tell them I was still in a lot of pain and that I was in dire need of some pain medication. Finally the other nurse got on the phone and Derek told her what was going on and how long I've been in pain and she prescribed me some Vicodin. My parents came over with some food and my mom had to watch me for several hours cry and writhe in pain. My poor dad had to leave. Understandably so. I was sobbing and screaming because it's all I knew to do. The pain just took my breath away. I managed to get some breakfast down while Derek went and got the pain medication. I laid in the bath while my mom watched over me. I took my first pain medicine in the bathtub and wound up on the floor right after I got out because I felt like I was going to pass out. The bath felt amazing. The pain medicine has made me super loopy but oh so very pain free both mentally and physically.

It's Wednesday today and I'm still feeling pretty numb and raw. I can't watch TV and I can't open the door to the nursery without starting to sob. But, I know time will pass and it will get easier to deal with these feelings. I have been praying for God to give me strength. I know He has a plan for me and that things happen for a reason. I'm not sure what my plan is or why this happened but I'm trusting Him.      

To answer some questions I know you all probably have.
I go in again on Monday to see if I will or will not need the D&C. From as much as I have passed, they don't expect for me to need one. I will not be going to work this week as I'm on Vicodin and can't even walk to the bathroom by myself. I was 9 weeks when I lost the baby and would have been 13 weeks tomorrow. I'm not mad or resentful. I'm not jealous of those who have healthy pregnancies right now either. I know God has a plan for me and being negative just makes me lose my path.

Thank you all in advance for the love and prayers.

Trusting in God

Just a word of warning. If you are a guy you will most likely not want to read this post. Or if you're not into that whole TMI thing don't read this either.

I woke up this morning and took a shower. Which is unusual because I always take a shower at night before bed. I was getting cleaned up when I noticed that I had some brown discharge coming from you know where. I hurried up and got out of the shower and went to the bathroom to double check that it really was brown that I was seeing and not just me having horrible vision in the morning and being in a dark shower. Sure enough there was some brown down there. I wiped again and it seemed to be gone. I prayed for a quick second that God would make sure everything was fine and then got dressed. I pulled Derek in our bedroom and told him what was going on. He obviously had NO idea what any of what I was saying meant until I told him that the brown color was old blood. He kind of looked nervous after that.

I put on my happy face for Stratton while we took him to the baby sitters house and made my way to work. I called the dr right at 8:00 and they called me back a few hours. I of course was perusing all over the internet to make sure that everything was ok. I think I psyched myself out a little and then calmed myself down. Reading different posts from girls that are just as far as me made me feel better about it.

Sure enough as soon as the doctors office called the nurse said it was normal and that unless it turned red or pink that I had nothing to worry about. Whew! I have been trusting in God today to make sure I don't drive myself crazy with worry and it seems to be working. Just as soon as I got off the phone with the nurse I felt the baby kick. I have been feeling it move around just a little tiny bit every now and then for about a week now. I know it seems early but I know for sure it's the baby kicking and not gas bubbles.

I have been borrowing my friend Erica's home Doppler for the last few days trying to find the baby's heartbeat and have had no luck. I think it's a mixture of not really knowing what I'm doing and being so early on in my pregnancy. I got a little bummed last night because I couldn't find it so I deep cleaned my bathroom. The nurse said that was probably another reason why I had a little spotting. I apparently over worked myself last night.

Anyway, I will have some pictures up hopefully tonight of our 4th of July and some more pregnancy updates.

Mangos

I love love love to bite into a juicy mango. But, now I will not be able to eat ANY more ever. I'm allergic to them. Yes, I said it. I'm allergic to mangoes. How, you ask, do I know this?

Well, last summer I enjoyed a few mangoes and then a few days later I woke up and my lips were covered in these tiny little water blisters that itches, my lips were swollen and the roof of my mouth itched like crazy. I thought I was some weird reaction to a chap-stick or even something else that I had eaten. I never in my wildest dreams thought it was from mangoes. About a week later they went away and I didn't really worry about it...until this summer. I had a few mangoes on Monday of this week and woke up yesterday with that same horrible feeling on my mouth. Yep, the water blisters were back and they itched horribly. The only thing I have found that helps them not hurt so bad is burts bees chap-stick.

So, I did some research and found out that mangoes are actually related to poison ivy (which also contains urushiol, the irritant component), and "mango mouth" is a well-known affliction, particularly throughout Asia. Seriously why did I not know this? It apparently is in the skin and can go as deep as 5mm into the fruit.

Moral or the story. Mangoes now suck and my lips still hurt.

To avoid: urushiol is in its highest concentrations in the skin and seeds of a mango. You can still eat mangoes, just use a spoon and wash your lips right after if you want to bite the flesh off the seed. I know how pleasurable it is to do, but if you are sensitive to urushiol, DO NOT diagonally score your mango cheeks and eat the cubes off the skin. Surefire way to get mango mouth. Finally, never ever pick mangoes; you'll get a reaction all over you. 

My Life in 99 Questions

1. Started your own blog 
2. Slept under the stars
3. Played in a band
4. Visited Hawaii
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than you can afford to charity
7. Been to Disneyland 
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sang a solo 
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightning storm
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch
15. Adopted a child
16. Had food poisoning
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown your own vegetables
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitch hiked
23. Take a sick day when you're not ill
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a Marathon
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run
32. Been on a cruise
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught yourself a new language
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo's David
41. Sung karaoke 
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant

44. Visited Africa

45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had your portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Been in a movie
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies
62. Gone whale watching
63. Got flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood, platelets, or plasma
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a check
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten Caviar
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone
78. Been a passenger on a motorcycle
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem 

84. Had your picture in the paper

85. Kissed a stranger at midnight on New Year's Eve
86. Visited the White House 
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
88. Had chickenpox89. Saved someone's life
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous
92. Joined a book club
93. Got a tattoo
94. Had a baby
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake

97. Been involved in a law suit
98. Owned a cell phone
99. Been stung by a bee

Slacking

Well as you all can probably tell I have been majorly slacking when it comes to my pregnancy posts. I have been less than enthusiastic about my tiny bump and didn't think it warranted weekly posts just yet.

This week was pretty uneventful. We had my mom and dad over for dinner last night and later on Garrett, Steph and Payne came over because their power was out.

This week should be pretty good considering we only have a 4 day work week. Tonight we're eating dinner with Derek's family and Tuesday night we are going to a 4th of July party at Derek's brother Josh's house. It should be a pretty great time. Wednesday morning Derek and the family are going to be playing in the Jackson Park mud volley ball tournament. I'm pretty excited to go and watch. Trust me there will be plenty of pictures involved.

As for my pregnancy, nothing has really changed other than my dr apt again. It was bumped back again to the 24th of July. Oh well.

Pregnancy Highlights:
How Far Along: 10 Weeks
Size of Baby: Size of a lime (2in, .3oz)
Total Weight Gain/loss: one lb. there I said it. I have officially gained a pound.
Maternity Clothes: None so far - I've been wearing some stretchy pants and I'm now having to use a hair tie to keep my jeans up.
Gender: Not sure yet
Movement: Some tiny little popcorn kernels popping every now and then
Sleep: I've been sleeping a lot better lately. With Stratton finally sleeping back in his bed I have been sleeping like a rock. I've definitely been having some strange dreams but sleep has been a lot easier lately.
What I miss: Nothing yet.
Cravings: Lots and lots of fruit.
Symptoms: None lately. I haven't even really felt pregnant to be honest.
Best moment this week: Finally getting some much needed rain. Thank the lord.
How am I doing: I have been up and down this week. Sometimes I'm on top of the world and the next min I'm in tears. I blame it on the hormones.
Bible Verse for the Week: Psalm 105:4 Look to the Lord and his strength; seek his face always.

Picture Dump

Last Monday Derek and I took the day off work. We woke up, got dressed for work, got Stratton ready to go to Mrs. Lisa's house and then packed in the jeep. Once we got in the jeep Derek and I looked at each other and just knew neither one of us really wanted to go to work. So, we both caleed in and took the day to spend it with Stratton.

We headed for Jackson park first to walk around the lake a few times and play on the playground. When we got there we were greeted by some protective momma geese. They chased Stratton but he laughed the whole time.

 Aren't they the cutest?

 You gotta love the delinquents of Jackson, Mo. Haha. 

 The geese followed us around the trail while we were walking. I think they were hungry.

 Stratton and I played a game while waling on the trail. It was called don't step on the goose poop.

 Stratton and Derek are so photogenic.

 I love when my boys rough house together.

Walking on the trail is such a great way to wear Stratton out. If only it wasn't so hot lately.

 Derek was showing Stratton how to do the "my tummy is fully" walk.

 Of course Stratton wanted some leaves once he saw Derek pull some off of the tree.

 It wasn't good enough for Derek to just hand Stratton some, Stratton had to get his own off of the tree.

 The playground is definitely Stratton's favorite part of the walk.

I don't know what it is but I remember as a kid putting rocks on the slide and sliding through them. Now Stratton does it and it still enjoys as much as I did. 

 Derek had to be the rock supplier. Stratton made him sit at the bottom of the slide and refill the rocks once he went through them.

 This little guy was munching on a june bug. Derek was happy to see this since he sits on the back porch with his fathers day present (a battery operated bug zapper tennis racquet) and kills them at night.

After the park we went to Burger King for breakfast and then headed downtown for the Discovery Playhouse.

Stratton loved the fire truck. Derek and Stratton sat up there for a while just pretending to drive around and put out fires. 

 Stratton made Derek drive for the most part.

 They had this awesome garden that you could pick vegetables from the "soil" and pick fruit from the "trees."

 Derek was in love with the grocery store. He was the cashier and wore the apron so Stratton could get checked out.

 Stratton wanted mostly produce. He's definitely like his momma.

 Stratton could even milk the cow.

 Montgomery Bank had a bank set up so Stratton was pretending to be like Grandma Brenda and be the boss.

 He liked answering the phones too.

 This thing was my favorite, it was an actual air tube thingy that they have at the bank.

 He though the mirrors were hilarious. He thought they were so funny looking.

 He's growing up SO much. Even though he's in the 25% for height.

 They had an awesome water table there too. I think Derek and I had more fun playing with the water table than Stratton did.

 Two thumbs up.

After going to the Discovery Playhouse we went to the water park for two hours and then headed home for a long nap. It was such a great day off with Stratton and Derek. It was well worth it. We enjoyed it so much. It was fun getting to spend some one on one time with Stratton.