It's been a bit

So, it's been far too long since I've updated this blog. Do people do blogs anymore? I figured this is a great way for me to just start purging my thoughts again. I stopped blogging after my miscarriage, the death of my grandma, the death of my beloved cat Groucho and after I graduated college. It's been a rough go but to say I haven't come out on the other end an entirely changed person would be a lie. Lots have changed in the last four years. I have changed jobs a few times. We have adopted a few more pets and we have all grown physically, mentally and in age.

Since I graduated, I left RapcoHorizon to pursue a job in the marking field. I worked for a company called Bold Marking. It was completely different from the environment that I was used to at RHC. It was fast paced and fun. I learned SO much working at that job. I was able to travel in that time and take a few vacations across the country. After a year and a half I was unfortunately let go. I wasn't a good match for them and that's ok. I went on to manage a local store called Hempies. I was made manager after a few months and got to work daily with my best friend. Granted she was 2000 miles away but the store is partly owned by her husband and she manages the store they opened in Bend, OR. After a year working retail I decided it was time to start looking for something back in the marketing field. I applied for a few different positions. None of them seemed to pan out. So after some soul searching I accepted a position back at RapcoHorizon as their eCommerce specialist. So that's where I'm at now.

Derek too has gone through some transitions. The year I graduated, my grandmother passed away, and Groucho passed away was a rough one on my little family. We went through a lot of heartache that year. Derek and I have steadily relied on each other to pick the other one up when shit hits the fan. Our marriage has become stronger, our arguments are more productive and overall we have been so much better as a couple because of everything that we have gone through.

A few months ago I had another miscarriage. If I'm being completely transparent, the news of me being pregnant was unplanned, unwanted and overall not something that we needed as a family. I say that with so much guilt. I feel guilt that the little life that was in me for a few weeks was not something that I was looking forward to. I feel guilt that my heart was not open to more children. I also feel relief that our family of three will now remain that way since Derek was so gracious about getting a vasectomy. It was hard going through another miscarriage. It brought back so many of those emotions that I experienced with the last miscarriage that I had. It really did rip open all that scar tissue and bring back so many negative feelings that I had buried down for so long.

I'm so thankful that I had my husband by my side though. He picked me up, he wiped my tears, he heated up my heating pad, he made sure I took my antibiotics and he sat in the doctors office and held my hand when they told me that I was - again - having a miscarriage.

This time it was different. I still don't know that I have fully processed what I went through with this last miscarriage. We weren't as vocal about it as we were in the past. We kept it to ourselves, we dealt with it ourselves, we also buried down a lot of raw feelings by ourselves.

For now I take it day by day. I know in the near future some counseling will take place, some crying will happen, some growing will happen. But, for now I put on my happy face, I cry when I need to, I take mental health days when I need to and I focus on the future and all the great things and people I have in my life now.

One thing that has really helped me mentally is the fat-sassy-lover-of-snuggles that we adopted. Her name is Persimmon Louise. We got her from a friend that was unable to keep her anymore. She has been an amazing addition to our family. She sleeps with Stratton some nights and other nights with me. We got her a couple weeks after my miscarriage and she really has been a big help in getting me through the tough stuff. Derek and I joke that she is was a little old lady that smoked a pack a day in her past life. Her meow is raspy like an old smoker. She loves having her belly rubbed and she has the best personality. Her first visit to the vet was full of people coming in to meet her and her loving the attention. Derek and I are constantly talking about how she has been the perfect addition to our pet gang.

Stratton is starting 5th grade this week. It seems like just yesterday I was holding his little hand and walking him into school for his first day of kindergarten.  He is such a sweet boy. So smart, so loving, so kind. I couldn't have asked for a better kid. This will be the first year where he changes classes every hour. To say I'm nervous about this transition would be an understatement. He's excited about getting his own locker and getting to change between classes but you can definitely tell that he is nervous. I know he will do great.

Other than that we have been doing ok with life lately. I'm going to try to keep everyone (all 2-3 of you that read) updated with what's going on. I'm hoping to get back into blogging. It's so cathartic to write for me. I have ideas on what to write about again and I'm itching to start up on this journey again.

Update!

Hey everyone! It's been far to long since I've posted anything on here. Life has been crazy (who's isn't). SO many things have changed in since last time I posted. For on... I GRADUATED!!!!

I had my Senior Exhibit the week before graduating. My project was doing a beer company and designing a website, logo, and beer labels for the company. I had so much fun with this. My friends and family from all over came to see my show.

All my beer bottle labels were friends and family members that I turned into bearded ladies!

My sister-in-law Stephanie as the St Patty's beer.

My cousin Beth, her husband Stephen and their kiddo Anna came down to see! 

 Leslie (Life told by Leslie) came to see herself all dolled up as a bearded lady. 

 These two were also doing a show at the same time I was. They are both so very talented. 

  Most the women on my mom's side of the family (and Stratton) all in one spot. This doesn't happen often. 

 My professor even sent me flowers!

Stratton and I did our annual Jingle Bell Run/Walk. This was our 5th year doing it!

 Stratton had to catch the Santa for his race. He caught him, and then lapped him. 

Graduation was so exciting for me! This was 9 years in the making! I finally did it!! December 20, 2015 was the day I finally got to get that paper saying I had a college degree!

 This lady here is how I got through school. She is one of my favorite professors and I attribute so much of my motivation to finish to her. She also likes wrinkly hairless cats so she is definitely a favorite in my book.  

 Cell phones for days. 

 During the commencement speech. 

 Seriously, the lady giving the speech was a nut job. 

 Hey that's my name!!!

The week before I graduated, Grandma B started to get sick. The Wednesday before my graduation she had a stroke and started to go down hill very quickly. 

Mom and I played hymns for her, read scripture from the bible to her and talked to her that week that she was in hospice. I stayed with her as much as I could. I held her hand and I cried because my grandma was gone. I have one last voice recording of her saying I love you to me and I will cherish it. Grandma B passed away Christmas Eve morning. She went peacefully.

Christmas was a little less active than normal. Everyone was in a haze because of all the pain from the day before. Casey and Marcus went to the Humane Society on Christmas eve and adopted a new puppy. They named her Emma after our grandma. Grandma B's real name was Lucille Emogene. Emma is short for Emogene.

We decided to have Grandma's funeral on the 2nd of January so that it would allow family to come in town and attend. Friday after New Years we had grandma's funeral and laid her to rest. It was the hardest thing I have done in so long. 

The day after Grandma's funeral, January 3, 2015,  I noticed that Groucho was breathing really heavy and fast and I noticed that he had been losing some weight. I thought initially it was from it being such a cold winter but decided to take him to the vet anyway. 

 You could see his little back bones and this just wasn't normal. 

 I took him to the vet first thing Saturday morning. We got there around 10:30. They did x-rays and a heart scan. They told me that he had fluid around his heart and that he was dying. They told me I wouldn't have much time left with him. I didn't understand what that meant. A week, a month, a hour? They gave him some kind of injections and he just went downhill so quick. He snuggled on my lap for a good hour and a half. By noon he was hiding under the bench and was breathing from his mouth (which is never a good sign.) They told me that the only chance he had was to go to either the emergency clinic 30 min away or trying to make it to St Louis to a cardiac specialist. We wouldn't have made it to either place even if we would have tried. I took Groucho home and he couldn't walk. He cried out in pain and was so uncomfortable. Thankfully Stratton was at my in-laws and Derek was home with me. We put him in Stratton's bed and he cried and kept flopping from place to place. He got down from the bed and crawled to the living room where he went to Zoe's kennel. We knew he was trying to hide so that he could die. He laid in there for a short time and cried. He finally came out and laid in the middle of the floor of our living room. I pet him and loved on him until he started to lose control of his bowels. I was a mess at this time so Derek made me go into the other room. I stayed in Stratton's room while I heard him cry out in pain. Derek loved on him until his very last breath. I lost it. I had lost so much in one week and I couldn't understand why. My sister and my dad came over and we drove Groucho to the Humane Society to be cremated. I'm thankful that we were able to be with him until the very end. 

Rest in Peace Groucho 

Thankfully I have the best husband in the entire world.

He let me buy this little guy a few weeks after Groucho passed. 

We decided that one pet was just not enough. We had to have another hairless kitty. 

We found an amazing breeder name Brittney Gobble close to Knoxville, Tn. 

Thankfully we have family in Knoxville so we made a mini vacation of it. 

We're pretty much obsessed.  He's been an awesome addition so far. We love him to pieces.

That's all the updates for now! I'll post more very soon!